There’s something about the proximity of an election that sends MPs into a tailspin. Especially if they know their party will be taking a hammering. Otherwise moderately intelligent men and women – people who, on a good day, can be relied upon to dress themselves – stand up to make fools of themselves by professing undying loyalty to a lost cause. Generally, by inventing facts to suit themselves. The political wing of the Flat Earth Society. Call it election derangement syndrome. Electile dysfunction.

Even Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak seemed to be affected. Neither were on top of their game for the last prime minister’s questions before Thursday’s local elections. They even forgot to personally abuse each other. That bad. Though some may think that’s no bad thing. Rather, they were merely focused on getting out their election messages in the mistaken belief that someone might be listening.

This was performance politics. A largely meaningless 40 minutes whose sole purpose was to fill dead air. Starmer got the better of the exchanges because … well, because he always does these days. Rish! is just his not so cuddly toy. A plaything. A transitional object. Sunak’s real problem is that he just hasn’t got a decent tale to tell about anything. Plus he’s a bit useless. Everywhere he looks, he’s failed.

There’s a hint of desperation in everything the government is doing. The absurd publicity stunt of a volunteer offering to have himself returned to Rwanda in exchange for £3k in cash and five years’ paid accommodation. Just to be able to say the flights have begun when they obviously haven’t. To boast “THE PLAN IS WORKING” when it isn’t. It’s hardly a deterrent if people are queueing up to take advantage. Up the cash a bit and I’m sure you could attract a fair number of benefits claimants, too.

Not to be outdone, the Home Office has released a particularly scuzzy video of detainees being rounded up for deportation. Whatever happened to the UK being a caring society? One that could afford dignity to everyone; even those we don’t want to stay? In this new UK, refugees are just clickbait. Torture porn. Something to excite Richard Tice and Lee Anderson. Hell, why not give us a bit of tasering action for the director’s cut? Next stop, public executions. Come on, you know you want it really.

Starmer began by welcoming his latest acquisition: Dan Poulter, the former Tory MP who defected to Labour last weekend saying the NHS was not safe in Conservative hands. Rish! pretended not to care. Perhaps he doesn’t. He’s lost so many MPs in the last year, he’s probably immune. Like bomber crews in the second world war. He just can’t afford to become too attached.

“I’m glad to see him,” Sunak said, stifling a yawn. A reference that Desperate Dan was a stranger to Westminster. No surprise really. There are dozens of Tory MPs who haven’t been anywhere near the Commons for months. Too busy looking for another job. Rish! went on to say that all MPs talked a lot of nonsense from time to time. Hardly the best advert for his own party.

For the rest of the session, Starmer went in hard on pensions. Sunak had promised to get rid of national insurance. How was he proposing to fund the £46bn shortfall?

“Economics is not the Labour leader’s strongpoint,” said Rish! This was a hell of a cheek from someone who appointed a total innumerate as his chancellor. Poor Jeremy Hunt gets a panic attack trying to understand his own bank balance. You can see it in his eyes.

Keir zeroed in on the detail. He could understand these economics well enough. So if the Tories were going to fund the black hole, then presumably he might be thinking of adopting Lord Frost’s plan to raise the pension age to 75.

This should have sent warning bells ringing for Sunak. Anything Frosty – the idiot’s idiot – comes up with is guaranteed to be a disaster. But Rish! didn’t bat an eyelid. He’s in hock to these quarter-wits. So 75 it is. Hell, why not just say no one can have their pension until they’ve died? What could go wrong? Not that that he will get to decide, because he will be in Santa Monica before long.

“Vote for me,” concluded Starmer. “Even the Tory candidates think the prime minister is a liability.”

“Vote for me,” replied Sunak. “Some people love me.”

To prove him right, a handful of the stupidest, most loyal members of the Praetorian Guard among the Tory moronocracy stepped into the breach. First on his feet was the heroically dim Jonathan Gullis. So hopeless that even the Reform party doesn’t want him. He spoke like a five-year-old on amphetamines. Sentences mashed up and impenetrable. Mind you, he doesn’t make any more sense when you slow him down. His mind is unendearingly childlike.

The suggestion that the Rwanda plan was working appeared to be what he was nudging towards. Which of course it isn’t. Record numbers of small boats have crossed the Channel this year. Even if the flights do start, only a fraction of people will be deported. Sunak mumbled some nonsense. He hadn’t understood a word Jonny had said either.

Next up was Bill Wiggin. Another collector’s item. The man with the single synapse. He was delighted that HS2 wasn’t going ahead because that meant some potholes in his drive had been mended and we could all shoot badgers or something. This was why Sunak was the guy who was going to win the next election. So sweet. Not even Rish! is that detached from the real world.

Other Tories piled in. Mostly MPs unknown even unto themselves. Things had never been better; the country was winning under the Conservatives. Just imagine how happy we would be if Sunak had delivered on the other four of his five promises.

But the government was determined this was to be a good news day. So it had lined up two ministerial statements to reassure us the country was in safe hands. First, the dour Tom Pursglove, to say he was delighted that immigration was falling because he had reduced student and social care visas. So that’s the universities and the social care sector screwed. Just pray no one close to you gets dementia.

Then we had Kemi Badenoch to declare that Brexit had been a total success and that anyone who said otherwise could do one. Thanks to our deal with North Macedonia, we would increase GDP by 0.00002% over 50 years. The Comprehensive and Progressive Trans-Pacific Partnership would be a gamechanger, if we were anywhere near Australia. And there was me thinking that the new inspections on goods entering the UK from the EU had just started, costing businesses money they couldn’t afford. Remind me to get on message.