It’s the heavyweight contest of the year. The Establishment v the Establishment. Or as the former City worker who is given £5m trifles would like you to see it, Nigel Farage versus the Establishment. Yes, Nige has had enough and he’s not taking it any more.

He is the People’s Nige. The man who chose to resign as an MP and call a byelection as a matter of principle. And that principle is the right to receive gifts from a Thai crypto billionaire and benefits in kind from a convicted fraudster without declaring them.

Around midday on Tuesday, Farage posted on X that he would be making an “important announcement on my future in politics” at 2pm. So on brand. Nige never misses an opportunity for pomposity and self-importance.

His whole persona is founded in narcissism. And making money for himself. The ultimate professional politician. There can’t be many MPs who have made as much in side-hustles. Wherever there’s a grift going on, you can be sure Nige is not far away. Still, it was nice to know he was still alive. For some reason, Nige has been publicity-shy for the last couple of months.

At 2.06pm there was still no sign of Nige. Presumably he was still trying to squeeze more money out of one of his paymasters.

“Look, if I mention that I’ve promoted gold from Direct Bullion and that some investors have made money, then that’s got to be worth another £250,000?” After all, these video statements don’t pay for themselves.

A little later, with the deal agreed, the live feed flickered into life. There was Nige in a makeshift studio – no field today – with a photo of the London landscape behind him and a couple of union jacks. Looking slightly shifty.

It wasn’t fair, he began. The Establishment had picked on him because he just happened to be making record sums of money while already having a full-time job as an MP and leader of Reform.

What was the harm in that? It just so happened he was very good at making lots of money. Oh, and by the way the gold bullion firm I promote has produced fantastic returns. Well, it has for one person. Nige is on over £22,000 an hour. More than many of his constituents earn in a year.

Poor Nige. He has yet to clock that the investigations being carried out into him have nothing to do with what he has earned. It’s about the money he hasn’t earned. He has yet to see why that should be anyone’s business but his. Responsibility and accountability aren’t his strong points. And it’s not as if £5m buys you much these days. Especially when you’ve already got five houses and counting.

Then there’s the handouts from Gorgeous George Cottrell. The boy who likes to call Nige “Daddy” and just happens to have been indicted in the US for wire fraud, blackmail, money laundering and extortion. Just your regular kind of guy who went a little off the rails in his youth. High spirits. And Nige is a big believer in rehabilitation. Though George is the first ever prisoner he’s been happy to see let out early.

What we all had to remember was that Nige was just an innocent victim in all this. He couldn’t help it if benefactors kept showering him with gifts. We all need a Christopher Harborne and a Gorgeous George in our lives from time to time. It was just that Nige was the Special One.

He was being hounded by leftwing extremists. Like the Sunday Times journalist who also conducted investigations into the current Labour government. Like the editor of the Times who published a photo of Farage’s daughter’s house. A house which Nige himself had already posted photos of on his social media account.

Like Sky News, which had the audacity to ask him awkward questions. And – although he failed to mention it – like the Guardian, which started the ball rolling.

“I am a crook. I am dishonest,” Nige said. I think this was him just listing the charges brought against him rather than an admission of guilt. But there’s no knowing how a troubled conscience sometimes works.

Within seconds, Nige was back claiming victim status. He was an endangered species. The politician with the Midas touch. People were just jealous. Though he knew he was only making pocket money compared to what he could rake in. And yet again, he repeated his claim that no politician had ever been so attacked as him. He might want to have a word with the families of Jo Cox and David Amess.

He had never been so angry in his life. Call it the world’s biggest temper tantrum. Labour were deliberately targeting Reform by trying to reduce the influence of foreign money in British politics. How else were Russian oligarchs and other undesirables supposed to launder their money?

Then came the big reveal. The resignation and the byelection. It was as if Nige was trying to pre-empt the findings of the parliamentary watchdog by initiating his own recall petition. Only it doesn’t quite work like that. Because assuming he is re-elected, the watchdog could still impose a penalty that prompts a genuine recall petition. So the lucky voters of Clacton could have two byelections this year.

Weirdly, when Josh Simons resigned to trigger the Makerfield byelection, Nige had insisted this was a complete waste of taxpayers’ money. An unnecessary byelection for a narrow party gain.

His Clacton byelection, though, was obviously completely different. The last stand of the professional politician with a side hustle in grifting. In the six weeks of the byelection campaign, he will be able to resume his Cameo messages. Only the price will be double the £80 it used to be. And at least no one would be asking him why he had never bothered with constituency surgeries.

Never had it been more vital to confirm the golden thread of justice that runs through our democracy: that any politician has the right to trouser whatever he or she wants; that the rules don’t matter; that it’s of no consequence who may be trying to buy influence and position.

God stand up for Gorgeous George and Thai Chris. Enough was enough. Nige wasn’t in the mood to take prisoners. Certainly not anyone convicted of fraud. It was over to the voters of Clacton to decide whether any of this really mattered.

Never have we needed David Attenborough more. The one man certain to beat Nige in his own back yard.