“Attention all swans! Attention all swans! You are not safe! Immigrants from inferior cultures have been seen loitering with intent to kill in royal parks. They want to eat you alive. Be very vigilant. All offenders who are caught will be punishable under sharia law.”

Never say that a half-hour phone in with Nigel Farage on Nick Ferrari’s LBC morning show is anything but educational. Listen and learn. It’s an object lesson in how to perfect the 30-minute hate. Soon to become compulsory if Reform win the next election.

That’s the trouble with modern Britain. We just don’t hate well enough. We have to learn to hate better. Trust no one. And above all, assume that every foreigner is just a sex offender in waiting. Understand that and you will be welcome in Nige’s Britain.

The first call came from Marie. An American with three kids who had lived in the UK for 25 years. She used to work, had paid her taxes but now worked voluntarily as a school governor. She was here under indefinite leave to remain (ILR). Would she be deported? Nige didn’t reply. Instead, he went on about the 1.3 million people who were here under ILR and were just out to milk the benefits system for £230bn. Ferrari pointed out that this figure was contested. But Nige was unbothered. It was the principle at stake. Who cared if any of this was accurate? Keep focused. This was all about the hate.

Marie observed that he hadn’t answered the question. Would she be deported? Nige umm-ed and ahh-ed. On balance, he reckoned she probably would be. He knew it was harsh. She wasn’t the sort of person he primarily had in mind to get rid of, but there would have to be collateral damage. Fair’s fair. He was fed up with foreigners clogging up our motorways. If you’re stuck in a traffic jam it will be an illegal immigrant who caused it.

“You might be better off at home,” he said to Marie. Home USA. But she could take her kids if she liked. Bye, bye Marie. Thanks but no thanks. Your time is up. And close the door of the school where you work behind you. Next?

Then came a pharmacist. Would Farage endorse Donald Trump’s advice for pregnant women to not take paracetamol. Not a problem for Nige. Farage often says he lives rent-free in British politicians’ heads, but Trump lives rent-free in Nige’s. He is The Donald’s emissary to the UK. An existence dedicated to sanitising Trump’s madness for a British audience. So Nige hedged his bets. He wouldn’t necessarily follow the Trump line on tylenol, as it is known in the US. But there again he wouldn’t trust the World Health Organization or any medical professionals either.

What you had to remember was that there was no such thing as science. The real world was one of relativism. Anything could be true or it could be a lie. And the thing that had been true one day could be untrue the next. And vice versa. So the safest thing was not to believe in anything. Trust no one.

Nige wasn’t about to tell anyone what medicines to take. Overdose on fentanyl if you feel like it. It’s only the scientists who are saying it will kill you. And yet Nige had also forgotten that at his own Reform conference a doctor had said it was highly likely the royals had got cancer from Covid jabs. Should have trusted the anti-vaxxers. Trust no one, except cranks, conspiracy theorists and The Donald.

By now we were deep into the unsettling Maga alternative universe. Nige wouldn’t condemn Trump for saying that Sadiq Khan was introducing sharia law to London because that’s not what he had said. Even though he had said it. Here was the thing. You weren’t supposed to take anything Trump said literally. But you were meant to take it seriously.

Hmm. How does this work exactly? Not long ago he was telling Vladimir Putin that Ukraine would have to concede territory. Now he’s saying the opposite. Which bit are we meant to take seriously? And what about that war between Armenia and Azerbaijan?

Rather than take him seriously and try to second guess the meaning, wouldn’t it be safer to assume The Donald was making it up as he went along? It might be scary but it’s more helpful. Endless flattery makes no difference.

Back to sharia law. Nige knew it was Sadiq’s plan for London because he had been told about it by a taxi driver from Buckingham. So it must be true. Taxi drivers know everything. And by the way, Trump was also right that Europe is going to hell. Our swans and carp were under threat from filthy foreigners. Just as cats and dogs were being eaten by Haitians in the US. Nige dared Ferrari to prove him wrong. It’s amazing that so many people still want to visit London. Unpaid parking fines punishable by being stoned to death.

On to Israel and Gaza. Nige had a cunning plan to create a Palestinian state in a piece of desert near the Dead Sea where no one was currently living because it was totally uninhabitable. But that would do for the Palestinians, and somewhere would be better than nowhere. They could build the odd canal if they liked. And with a bit of luck it might end up like Palm Springs. Why hadn’t anyone thought of this before, we all wondered. Blessed are the peacemakers.

By now we were racing to the end. Nige did reckon that America might be going a little far in stamping out free speech from critics of the Republican party. Very big of him. He seemed to have forgotten that he had banned some journalists from his own conference. Easily done.

Then a final one on his home in Clacton. Everything was legit and that was an end to it. He had nothing more to say except through lawyers. All we wanted to know was if he had lent his partner the cash. But that was too much.

Then Nige was off. To spend more time with taxi drivers. How else was he going to find out about sharia law. And then to patrol the ponds in the royal parks. Those swans weren’t going to take care of themselves.